The Struggle with Solitude: What Do We Flee From?
Why is solitude unbearable? What do we run from within it?
You avoided solitude because it was like avoiding yourself. The more you turned to others, the more you became isolated, for you were not keeping your own company. Now, with no one but yourself around, you find it difficult to converse with your own mind. You’ve been estranged from yourself for so long that you’ve become a stranger to your own soul.
Now, you understand why you sought a friend to talk to—a false friend, no less. It was because you were alone. You felt that solitude within you, that ache of disconnection. It was in solitude that you realized you had never truly known where to go in life. You followed the trends, the expectations around you, but you never truly sat down to ask yourself where you might want to go. Solitude tests your identity. And you failed that test. Everything you did, everything you became in the past, was an attempt to adapt. The crowd became your nourishment, their approval your water, like a vampire feeding on blood. You lived to please the masses.
When you feed off others, when they become your drug, their absence brings a painful truth: You’ve lost yourself along the way. It is truly painful for a man not to know who he is. When left alone, he will not know where to go, and that brings another kind of pain. Do not doubt it—solitude is a chamber of hell.
What’s Worse: Being Lost in Solitude or in a Crowd?
What is worse—being alone while chasing after a goal, or being surrounded by people without knowing where you’re going?
When you’re surrounded, it seems like you always know where you’re heading because you can talk and listen to others, sharing in their ideas. Unconsciously, you start moving in the same direction as them. We tend to imagine that the final destination of everything is the group, so we follow along. But have you ever been with yourself?
No. You’ve never truly been alone, and upon realizing that, you’re now even more afraid of solitude. Another painful truth is that not keeping up with the group brings its own discomfort. For example, not having the latest iPhone like your friends or not being as popular as they are is painful. Even when you don’t want to, you force yourself to stay “up to date.” The greatest pain, however, is having your own thoughts.
The Pain of Lies and the Search for Truth
We often lie to ourselves until the lies become unbearable. There comes a point where you have only two options: either turn the lie into truth, or face it and endure the consequences of confronting it. Sometimes, being alone is the only way to test the truth within yourself. It drives you mad when you’ve been a deceiver to your own soul for too long.
What makes solitude so painful is that, in it, there is absolutely no one—not even yourself. Consider yourself the bridge between the past and the future. You stand in the middle of these two selves. You shouldn’t belong to either side. In other words, neither the past nor the future should define you. You must simply be. Be the link: the man of the present. If you move from your position as the link, the past or the future will create friction, pulling your thoughts either toward past mistakes or future opportunities. A life like this is filled with pain.
We cannot endure being alone because we have used something other than our true selves as an intermediary. If you’re alone and don’t know where to go, endure the pain of finding your true self first. If you are surrounded by others, always be mindful of those moments when you are about to lie. That could be the antidote to your solitude. (Though I’m not entirely sure, as I have not fully tested this myself. I still struggle with being alone, but it’s a hypothesis I’m trying to prove, and it has worked to some extent.)
The Paradox of Life
Dear reader, I don’t fully understand what I just wrote in the above paragraph; it flowed on its own.
Never forget this: Every human is a social negotiator. We all negotiate to be part of a group, or we negotiate for others to follow ours. Lone wolves are rare these days.
Note: Solitude differs from isolation. Isolation means you are completely cut off from the outside world, whereas in solitude, you can still be surrounded by people. This is how I see it, at least.
If you truly don’t know where you want to go, start by writing down where you don’t want to go. But how can you know unless you’ve tried new paths, met new people, or explored new concepts and ideas? This is the paradox of life. Yes, you’ve understood it: we are told to live, but no one tells us how. We learn to live by living. Alas, dear friend, I cannot tell you how to live. That is a question you alone must answer.
Good luck,
Your worst enemy.
Identity? 