Identity?

Meta Description:
Explore the personal journey of learning to say no, setting boundaries, and letting go of past mistakes. Understand the importance of focusing on yourself and overcoming fear of conflict.

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What does it really mean to let go? Why do sages advise us not to harbor feelings like hatred, as they only degrade our soul and serve no real purpose? How can I express disagreement with someone I love’s decisions without appearing firm, without showing how deeply hurt I am by the way they treated me or their autocratic, narcissistic behavior?

When it comes to this issue, I notice myself trying to pass the blame onto them, while I also bear my own share of responsibility. What did I fail to do from the start? I failed to communicate that moving here would be more challenging than we anticipated. I didn’t ask for enough financial support because I feared confronting them and knowing that they wouldn’t give me what I needed. Their motivation was that I would finish school quickly, get a job, and help them. That was the reason they even helped me get into ENKO. From the very beginning, I knew this, but I chose to stay silent.

For a long time, I’ve struggled with avoiding conflict. There were countless moments when I should have spoken up, when I knew I had something important to say, but I kept quiet. I avoided conflict in order to be the “nice guy.” While I’m happy to be kind, I’ve realized that sometimes I must say no. What if saying no is a moral obligation?

I’ve long avoided conflict because I didn’t want to deal with remorse. I didn’t want to feel like I was wrong to initiate conflict. I rationalized my actions, tried to please others, and now it’s become incredibly difficult for me to say no—even when my body screams for it. I take on commitments that cause me great pain to follow through with, simply because saying no feels impossible. I became addicted to being the nice guy.

I’ve rationalized their behavior over my own. Of course, I’m not perfect, but does that mean I should excuse someone I trusted for treating me poorly? If I make excuses for them, they’ll think it’s acceptable behavior, and they’ll continue. The same goes for someone I love. I justified their actions by telling myself I’m like them. But the truth is, the one most affected by my behavior has always been me—no one else.

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The Power of Saying No: Setting Boundaries

But what does it really mean not to judge? If something is morally wrong, shouldn’t we speak up? Why should we remain silent when we see wrongdoing?

We’re not supposed to judge those who are suffering from what we suffer, but does that mean we should ignore problems when they arise? What about people who use this excuse to justify their own behavior? Should I not judge myself?

For instance, I had the opportunity to sort out my papers, but I didn’t take it. I believed school would be too expensive and unattainable, and my problems during the confinement didn’t help. I wasn’t clear on what I wanted to study, and I wasn’t ready to commit to it. I also took money and gave it to someone I love to help with their debts and business expenses. That money could have gone toward my tuition, but I wasn’t sure about my studies. In the end, I wasn’t 100% ready for school, and I can’t blame them for not being able to pay my tuition. The fact is, they couldn’t afford it—and their motivations were selfish. They would only help if it benefited them. I’m not too proud to admit this, but I have to move forward, step by step.

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Learning to Say No: The Key to Personal Growth

To make better decisions, I need to learn to move slowly and be mindful of the choices I make. But more than anything, I’ve forgotten how to say no. It’s become incredibly hard, even in small matters. Always saying yes has divided me, and this is a huge problem I’m facing right now. I’ve been trying to please everyone. I said yes to someone without thinking, I agreed to help others without considering the consequences, and today I said yes to more commitments. Even though I fear missing an opportunity, I know I must learn to say no in order to choose the right path. It’s an obligation.

I also said yes to people I care about because I didn’t want to disappoint them, even though I don’t have papers. I need to negotiate with myself and others before offering my help.

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Facing the Fear of Letting Go

When I found the vaccination center, I thought it would give me my visa, but it ended up taking it away instead. I fought for it, but the fact that I didn’t have school didn’t matter to the authorities. I lost everything and had to start over. Now, I’m still fighting to solve this once and for all.

Even with the people I care about, I couldn’t bring myself to admit that I’m not here just for money. I tell them I’m helping, but it’s a lie. Small lies like these start when you fear losing something, even if it’s small. It took me two years to realize that they weren’t truly there for me. It took that long to find the courage to let go. Even when something is enjoyable, I have to say no.

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The Journey Forward: Personal Growth and Responsibility

Now, there are people I’m working with, and I can foresee myself saying yes to them. But honestly, if I don’t learn to say no, I’ll remain stuck in this situation for a very long time. In these next two months, I’m committed to focusing on getting my math skills back to where they need to be before I look for a job. That’s my priority.

I’m finding it difficult to backtrack on what I’ve already committed to. The fear of damaging my reputation makes it hard, especially because not having papers makes me cautious about everything. But if something bad happens, I know I will adapt and continue my life. This is my time to learn how to build my own life, and my technical skills in math and computer science will anchor me in that process.

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Call to Action:
Have you ever struggled with setting boundaries or saying no to others? How did you overcome the fear of conflict? Share your experiences and tips in the comments below.

Meta Description:
Explore the search for freedom, the struggle with addiction, and the pursuit of personal growth. Learn how overcoming internal battles shapes our lives and futures.

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Have you attained true freedom? The kind where only love remains? Where you can love your brothers and sisters as God loved you, enough to give His life for your sake? Oh, poor soul, you are restless, constantly searching, endlessly unhappy. True freedom means expecting nothing from anyone or anything.

I compromised my dignity once again—I didn’t write to her, but I called her. Denied, then questioned. I just wanted someone to talk to, and I thought she would be the one.

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The Endless Search for the Final Answer

We are always searching for the final point in life—the ultimate rule, the absolute truth. Every idea that seems to answer our struggles feels like the final answer. And once we believe something is the final answer, we will fight the whole universe to prove it.

But notice this: only after a belief is proven false do people come forward with new insights. And only after a battle is lost do people stand up to “fight.”

It’s easy to say money doesn’t bring happiness when you’ve never had enough. Only those who have reached their definition of ‘enough’ can truly say such things.

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Finding Meaning Through Books and Struggles

I’ve realized that the books I connect with most are the ones that articulate thoughts I’ve already had but couldn’t express. The authors who captivate me are the ones who write what I’ve lived but never knew how to put into words.

Since coming to France, I’ve realized that the West is one of the most religious societies to ever exist—only, it has more gods than any civilization before it. Yet, its tolerance is what makes it a great place to be.

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The Struggle with Discipline and Self-Betrayal

For the past four days, I’ve done almost nothing. Worse, I spent €200 on food while telling my younger sibling I had no money for them. I acted against my own interests, betraying the discipline I had worked so hard to build. For months, I lived with restraint, yet in two days, I crumbled—Uber Eats, Netflix, distractions. This shows I still have a long way to go.

I don’t yet understand true discipline. I don’t yet know what it means to be truly hard on myself. I’ve learned that exhaustion can become so deep that you can’t even rest properly.

By September 2024, I must reach a foundational level in mathematics—enough to secure admission to a university in Europe or North America.

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My Vision: Business and Data Science

I dreamt of him, and I do not hate him, not even for what he took that is mine. What luck, to move beyond hatred so quickly. But I remind myself: don’t be naive. There is no virtue in being kind to the wicked.

Another option: save €20,000 to start a food catering business and a learning podcast. By 2025, I should either have my own business or enough stability to dedicate myself to science fully. (How far I AM FROM THIS OBJECTIVE HERE IN 2025, In fact I HAVEN4T HAD MY VISA YET)

The chosen field is data science—machine learning, computer science, algorithms. I still wrestle with doubts, but I know this path will give me an edge in the world.

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The Fall and the Path Forward

The slightest moment of loneliness brings the fall. I must move steadily toward mathematics. It is the first step toward science and engineering—the first step, and I cannot afford to miss it. I think of all the chances I’ve missed, all the things I’ve started and abandoned.

Yes, my fall is why I lag behind. But it is also why I have learned so much about myself.

I must push. Harder. And harder still.

For 2024, I know this much: saving is my number one priority.

Having a driver’s license in France will be an asset—here and beyond if I ever leave.

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Society’s Struggles with Addiction and Humanity’s Pain

Society has no solution for addicts, so they cast them aside. The truth is, we do not know the answer to addiction. Some of us seek comfort in others—it reassures us that we made the right choices. The same applies to success. We hate seeing others succeed because it reminds us of our own failures, our own missed chances.

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The Struggle of Being Human

I don’t know where it comes from, but it is real. Very real. If you asked me why I feel this way, I wouldn’t be able to tell you. It’s a feeling of unmotivation—my hands unbearably heavy, my mind completely absent. I hardly remember what I read because I am not present. My mind is somewhere else. But where? I have no fucking idea. And I don’t want to know. But at the same time, I do.

It’s this dualism that is painful. Unbearable.

Are my goals too big? Too small? Should I aim for less? Should I not aim at all? Where am I going? Where should I move? What should I do with my life?

Here I am again—stuck in the same spot as last year. No romantic relationships, no job, no school. No one I can truly talk to, no one who would really understand. Not even my family. Not even my old friends.

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The Battle for Change

Right now, I feel like blocking all of them—cutting them off from every social media account, disappearing as if they did something wrong. I know that’s not normal, but I have to admit: I just want to drop these feelings on someone. And only on someone I love. Because if they love me, they will feel my pain. And a part of me wants that. A part of me wants them to hurt, just so they would see. But, of course, that’s not the right thing to do.

I use something to escape the pain. So no one ever sees how much I suffer. I make sure it’s hidden. I keep it all locked inside, and then I suffer—silently but truly.

And with this suffering comes fear. Oh, fear. There it is.

How could you not consider suicide when feeling like this? What is it that we hope for when we think of it? That maybe, finally, the pain will be gone? That only then, at last, we will be free?

For the suicidal, killing oneself seems like the rational thing to do.

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Overcoming the Stagnation

I hate to say this, but I wasted my last two days. I was waiting. Waiting for instructions. Waiting for things to be said, as planned, instead of just going to the library and doing the work. That’s what always holds me back—waiting for the right moment, waiting for things to be in order, waiting for perfection before taking action.

But a small moment can change everything.

I realized that working out in the morning is everything. It does more for me than I could have imagined. Now, I need to add prayer. That’s one of the last things I need before I can move forward.

Something is true: I have become spiritually small. And everything in my life followed. Everything collapsed because of it. I tried too hard to be like others, to be who everyone wanted me to be. And in the process, I lost myself.

I lost myself along the way. And I am still suffering because of it

Meta Description:
Explore the complex nature of man’s pain, self-deception, and the search for meaning. Discover how the quest for understanding shapes our existence and emotional health.

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We are too irrational to know how irrational we are.

If paradise is a place where I am brought to do nothing, then let me move to hell, where at least I can have something. As a man, I won’t lie to you—sometimes, I come to enjoy suffering. So much so that I am tempted to say suffering is my default position.

Man is always searching for the final point, the final rule. And it is from there that God begins. As long as the unknown exists, so will God. This is what both religion and science have been chasing. Man’s pain resides in the unknown, yet at the same time, it is the very source of his meaning.

What do you do with what you know—and with what you do not?

Apart from man, what other animal commits suicide?

It is only when we are healthy that we ask what to do with our lives. If you were sick, you would want only one thing—to stay alive. I saw that in a young man, full of dreams but too sick to achieve them. He started fighting his illness for the sake of those dreams. And I saw another, full of life but lost, not knowing where to go or what to do.

Not having something to live for is an illness—perhaps one of the oldest humanity has known. It can be fatal. Those who are sick have something to fight for: their health. But those who are not physically ill often fail to take care of their existential health. Answering the question of life is a moral obligation.

One of the best ways to fight life’s greatest struggles—depression, despair, even suicide—is by creating a story worth living for. Every time a crisis comes your way, create one. See what happens.

They claim to do things for God’s sake, but they do them for reasons they do not even understand.

Man will accept death under certain conditions. I tell you the truth—there are situations where every sovereign individual will stand bold before death. Even if he does not yet know what those situations might be, one day, he will. Just find out what that might be.

If you truly want to capture a man’s heart, give him a story—with villains and heroes. Then leave the rest to time. The story, especially if false, will become true and real.

Some things are problems only because we so badly want them to be. We do everything possible to make them problems—often unconsciously. We exaggerate them into what they never were, just to keep ourselves busy. And with time, they become real. They start fueling our lives, shaping everything we do. Even if the world told us to let them go, we would find a way back to them—again, unconsciously. We tell ourselves we are busy, but busy with what? Most of the time, it is with unnecessary things we cannot solve—things that were never problems but became problems through our own making.

Some truths are lies disguised as truth. Many of the things we consider problems fall into this category.

As far as I’m concerned, there are only two solutions to any problem:

1. The first, and easiest, is to ignore it—sweep it under the rug as if it never existed, believing it will have no consequences.
2. The second, and hardest, is to face it. To sit down, think deeply about it, and act with the genuine intent to solve it.

Nothing is as painful—or as rewarding—as the second option. The first is a lie. The second is the truth.

To be stressed is like trying to escape your own body—only to realize there is no way out. Realizing this causes even more stress, pushing you to try to escape again. And so, the loop forms—stress feeding on itself.

They will not attempt to save you because they cannot. They will assume it is all your fault—that you are simply unwilling to make an effort. But the truth is, they don’t know how to save you. And they don’t want to admit that to themselves.

Learn this, my friend: You are the first person responsible for your own life. And the author of these words does not know how to save you either.

Some people are so fundamentally incompatible that their incompatibility makes them compatible.

Likewise, all men are different, but it is precisely in these differences that we find their similarities. They speak of their cultural, racial, and social differences as if these things separate them. Yet, this very desire to create divisions is what makes them alike. It proves that man has not changed much over time.

They are different, but it is all the same. The same DNA. The same patterns, repeating across history. The same hatred, greed, envy, desire, jealousy, love, arrogance, impatience, stupidity—just to name a few. The same behaviors driving this motherfucker of a species.

Not only are men alike today, but they are alike to those of the past—and probably to those of the future.

I am not afraid of anybody—like the man who knows his why. But the moments when I fear myself the most are when I say, “Nothing really matters.”

In those moments, I can see death crawling at my door.

That is, unless your why is to believe that nothing really matters.

One of the reasons man overpowered other species is his adaptability. Compared to other creatures, man is not fixed. His power is in his flexibility—his ability to shape himself to the environment. That is his strength.

So do not reduce man to a simple equation.

It is all about gossip. We are better at it than any other species. It is second nature to us.

When we read history, we always take the side of the winners—the so-called good guys—forgetting that even the villains believed they were the heroes.

The best and only way to know how to live—or how not to live—is by living.

Thinking and learning. Consider this:

You pick up a book. You open it, read the first line. Information enters your brain. Your mind processes it, then sends something back—an image, a thought, a question. It asks: What do you want me to know?

It can present you with words, graphs, figures—whatever you’ve trained it to understand. Nothing that comes out of your mind is truly new. It has simply been processed.

When your brain gives you what you want, it feels good. When it doesn’t, it feels bad. But most of this depends on what you have been feeding it.

Your brain gives you what it is used to receiving. If you give it something different, it resists—it finds it disgusting.

You are still a child as long as you seek others’ approval for your ideas.

This is what I have done all along—explaining my thoughts to those around me, waiting for their response, hoping they would give me an answer. As if I were afraid to answer the question myself. As if I feared my answer wouldn’t be the right one.

Don’t be afraid to think.

What makes growing up painful is realizing that most of what you were told as a child were lies.

Everything has to be redefined. And that is hard.

You want to scream fuck you to the world, to every adult who lied to you.

But remember—you are an adult now. And you are a liar too.

Meta Description:
A personal story of heartbreak, betrayal, and self-discovery. Learn how to move on from toxic relationships and stay true to yourself, even when others let you down.

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We try to understand why others do bad things. We rationalize their behavior, their mistakes, their actions—just to avoid conflict. And in doing so, we make ourselves miserable and unhappy. It is impossible to be kind to everyone. If everyone around you thinks you are “nice,” there is a high chance that you are being harmful to yourself. They can treat us however they want, and we will always find a way to justify their behavior.

That is exactly what happened with her. I tried to rationalize her actions, convincing myself that it didn’t matter because she did it when I wasn’t around. But the truth is, she had already made up her mind. After seeing me, she had her plan: seeing him and sleeping with him. If the trip hadn’t been canceled, I would have remained in contact with her. If we hadn’t fought, I would never have known the truth. I only found out due to pure luck—because of circumstances and because I had the courage to admit that I didn’t trust her. (2025: Three years later, I still wonder if I should reconnect with her. I trust her as a friend, but as a lover? That’s different. My character weakness shows itself again. She remains the closest relationship I’ve had—the woman I asked to marry four times. But would it not be beneath me to pursue her again? We should remain friends, nothing more. The memories with her and her family linger, but I need someone who will help me grow. I need someone complete, and I know I’m not yet finished. My perspective has changed. She remains my friend, but to bring her into my world, she would need to see things differently. I know she’s not willing to change.)

I am angry at myself for letting this happen. I’m angry at her for what she did. And yet, I even tried to tell myself that I shouldn’t judge her—that I’m no different. But she disrespected me. She lied to me. She never loved me. And I was blind enough to accept everything.

Now, my heart is torn between hatred and numbness. She disrespected our friendship. She disrespected everything. I want so badly to hate her, but my heart is too weak for that, so I try to forget. But being in this situation keeps dragging me back into the same thoughts.

Damn it, I didn’t even say anything cruel to her after what she had done. What am I even searching for? A way to move on? A way not to hate her? But she is still in my mind. She is still there. All I can do is wait for time to pull me out of this.

It feels like I can’t trust anyone anymore. Even with my other friends, Alex and Sam, I don’t feel like opening up. I feel deeply hurt. Even after all this time, the pain lingers. Lena, Zoe’s son, her, Jordan, even Mia—it’s as if I can’t trust anyone, not even my own family. That’s what I am realizing now: I can’t rely on any of these people because, in the end, we all have different interests.

I couldn’t sleep at all last night. Nostalgia crept back into my mind, along with the noise in the middle of the night. Through it all, I had to remain silent. Growing up, I was taught to stay quiet whenever an elder spoke, even if they were wrong. Who was I to judge? How could I, as a child, know when my father was wrong? So I learned silence—in front of him, my classmates, the administration, especially when they had something to offer me. I buried everything inside, but where has this led? Only to more hiding, more self-deception. While it’s impossible to lie to others without lying to yourself, it’s all too easy to lie to yourself without lying to others. I’ve hurt myself trying to keep everyone else happy and comfortable. I even laughed with Jordan that day, and with her after what she did. What was I trying to prove to myself? The truth is, none of it worked. After all my efforts to be there for people, I remain alone, still facing my problems by myself.

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Heartbreak and the Realization

What hurt the most wasn’t what she and Jordan did to me—it was realizing that I had been wrong all along yet kept forcing myself to believe I was right. I was wrong about her—every friend warned me, and she even told me herself. But I went back because I wanted reality to be different from what it was.

The same applies to my administrative situation. I’ve been clinging to the hope of a different outcome despite the facts in front of me. Resolving my status may take years. I could return home, hoping for better conditions, but the only real advantage there would be having a place to stay—with little opportunity to grow.

By staying here, I must remain aware of all the risks. I might be expelled. I won’t have a place of my own. I’ll have to work under the radar to support myself indefinitely. But the worst outcome wouldn’t be expulsion—it would be ending up in the same position as when I arrived, with nothing in my mind.

Everything can be taken from me except what I’ve learned. I must use this time to gain knowledge so that, even if I’m sent home, I’ll return with something no one can take away.

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Call to Action:
Have you experienced heartbreak or betrayal from someone close to you? How did you manage your feelings and move forward? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments below.

Meta Description:
Explore the challenges of helping others while staying true to your values. Learn about setting boundaries, dealing with selfishness, and personal growth in a world full of distractions.

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There’s a widely used slogan today: “Be virtuous. Be Nice.” But what does being virtuous really mean in a world where even the slightest advantage over another can quickly turn into an attempt to take them down? (With time I came to realize that my niceties only benefit those who ask that of me. And because people see me as such I tend to look at myself as such. I know it is a problem to be good with the wrong person, but for now I consider my niceties as the thing to have in order to move out of this visa situation.)

I met someone who saw herself as deeply religious. She truly believed in her faith, and maybe others did too. But how could she hold this belief when her actions lacked the qualities of true faith—such as kindness, understanding, and grace? She had conflicts with my colleagues twice, and I feared those confrontations because I knew I’d be the one to lose.

This fear of conflict—this avoidance—has become a recurring pattern in my life.

I remember times with friends, like Alex and Sam, when I stepped back instead of standing up. Once, when my friend Mira was slapped, and another time, when Jordan had a conflict with someone who later attacked me. Even then, I stayed calm, choosing silence over resistance. I thought I was being virtuous, but was I really? Or was I just avoiding the risk of being hurt or rejected?

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The Struggle with Agreeable Nature and Friendship

My agreeable nature has failed me, especially in friendships. Take Mia, for example. I helped her for two months. Yet, when I couldn’t deliver her keys one time, she called me selfish. Selfish? After everything I’d done? I was shocked. I had hoped that my support would eventually lead her to offer me a place to stay if I ever found myself homeless. Given my situation, this didn’t seem like an unreasonable expectation.

When I first arrived, I had nowhere to stay. If Casey hadn’t picked me up, I would’ve been sleeping on the streets. From the start, I knew that living with Mia wasn’t a realistic option—it would disrupt her life too much, and I didn’t want to burden her. Still, it stung when she chose to house her brother in a room that could’ve been shared with me. But I didn’t complain; she wasn’t responsible for me.

I even defended her decisions to my family, explaining that Mia had her own struggles. I kept in touch with her, visiting occasionally, even when I was homeless and struggling.

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Helping Others Without Setting Boundaries

One day, Mia asked for my help with her child’s school run. I agreed, thinking it would benefit us both—she’d get help, and I wouldn’t have to worry about where I would sleep. But the reality was more complicated. Instead of one child, I ended up caring for two, or even three, at times. Her brother, Leo, was also living there, but he didn’t contribute much.

I sacrificed time and energy—time I could’ve spent finding a stable job or working on my personal matters. To avoid judgment, I even lied to the people I was staying with, claiming I was taking care of her child for pay.

After nearly two months, I realized how much I had invested in helping her, yet the respect wasn’t mutual. One night, when I turned off the TV to put her child to bed, the child started crying. When Mia came home, she accused me of hitting the child. After everything I’d done, how could she think that? I let it go.

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The Breaking Point: Learning the Value of Boundaries

The real breaking point came when Mia called me selfish. Selfish because I wouldn’t leave my job to run an errand that could’ve taken far longer than she estimated. That word—selfish—hurt more than anything else. It made me question everything.

Why do I keep helping people who don’t align with my values or interests? Why do I stay silent when I should speak up?

Reflecting on this, I now see the deeper issue: we all act out of self-interest, and problems arise when those interests conflict or when one person’s needs outweigh the other’s.

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Call to Action:
Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you had to set boundaries to protect your values? How did you handle it? Share your experiences and tips for setting boundaries in the comments below.

Meta Description:
A personal reflection on failure, growth, and learning from mistakes. Discover how the struggle for personal and professional growth shapes life’s journey.

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The Cycle of Failure

This is what my life looks like: failure to failure, all but that, all but that.

When starting something new, like the enterprise I’m currently involved in, it’s easy to be seen as the one who makes mistakes—even when that’s not the full story. My first instinct was to confront the situation and show my frustration. But I’ve changed my approach. Instead, I’ve decided to be more assertive. I will stop pretending like I know nothing and instead, stand firm in what I do know. I will confidently ask questions about what I don’t know.

It’s time to take action. Otherwise, I risk becoming the person who makes mistakes that others have to clean up. No. This will not happen. I will not make mistakes for others to deal with. Before I turn 23, I will be part of the kitchen. This is my objective, and I will achieve it. Good luck, buddy.

I have to prove my competence—not for anyone else, but for myself.

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The Reality of My Journey

How funny it is to read these words now. I succeeded in entering the kitchen, but I was never truly considered part of it. Why? Despite my desire to belong, despite proving my willingness and determination, I lacked the courage to say no. I didn’t have the strength to stick to my objective.

Instead, I made excuses for myself. I created stories to justify my choices, just as I did with Nathasha when I moved to the administrative side. And now, I know very little about cooking.

This is a failure, and I must admit it. I failed to reach the goal I set for myself. I left Martial without learning how to cook, even though I told myself I’d accomplish that by the time I turned 23.

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The Path Forward: Taking Responsibility

So, what now? What comes next? Who can I blame? No one but myself—my inability to say no, both to others and to myself. I didn’t even take the time to think when the chef suggested I switch to administrative work. I let it go without a second thought.

I wanted something real, something concrete, like cooking. And I failed. I promised myself I would make myself indispensable in the kitchen, ensuring everything I did contributed to the team. But now, the truth is this: people don’t care about what I’ve done outside the kitchen. The logistics and administrative work don’t matter in this field. What truly matters is what I’ve built within the kitchen itself.

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Final Thoughts: Learning from Failure

Failure is a tough pill to swallow, but it’s part of the process. I must take responsibility for the choices I made, and learn from them. The next step is to stay committed to my goals and not allow distractions or fears to dictate my decisions. The real work begins now.

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Call to Action:
Have you ever experienced the feeling of failure while pursuing a goal? How did you handle it, and what lessons did you learn? Share your experiences in the comments below!

The mind is constantly divided—torn between the person who easily gets swept up in distractions and the person who resists doing what they are truly meant to do.

We often imagine that certain things will bring us endless pleasure, but we do the same with the opposite: the things we avoid, thinking they will bring us pain or frustration. This internal struggle leaves us in a state of conflict, unable to fully focus on what we’re actually best suited for.

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The Illusion of Social Media

When we scroll through Instagram or other social media platforms, we get lost in the curated images of others’ lives. It’s easy to forget that these photos are just a small part of the picture, disconnected from the countless other variables and realities that shape those moments. What we see is a filtered version, and yet we often measure our own lives against these idealized images.

Once I realized this truth, I made a decision that changed everything: I deleted my Instagram.

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The Power of Focus

Removing distractions—especially those that skew our perceptions of reality—was a necessary step. It allowed me to focus more on my own path, without being constantly bombarded by the carefully selected lives of others. This was a move toward authenticity, to reclaim my attention and channel it where it truly mattered. However, I must admit that, for I still struggle with anime, occasional porn, and others forms of distractions like gossip.

It’s as if the future has never existed, and the past is nothing but a shadow. Certain moments, however, seem eternal. They make us feel alive, profound, and connected to something greater. Everything outside of those moments feels inexistent, like an empty space waiting to be filled. Our existence, in fact, is defined by that “thing”—that moment. Even if the world comes against us, in those moments, we do what we think we have to do, regardless of external forces.

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The Power of Presence

You know this feeling, don’t you? When you’re with a loved one, when you experience an intense high or a creative breakthrough, when you embark on a new adventure that excites all your senses. In these moments, the world feels like it’s paused. Everything outside of that experience becomes irrelevant. Only the source of that intensity matters.

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The Addictive Moment: A Unique Experience

This is exactly what happens when you’re addicted. The moment you indulge in the addictive behavior—whether it’s food, drugs, porn, or any form of escapism—is unique in itself. Think about the countless times you’ve promised yourself “never again,” yet fell into the same cycle. Those moments are different from any others. You are different in those moments.

Yes, my friend, you are a function—a unique combination of experiences, choices, and perceptions. No two moments of your life are ever the same. They may appear similar, but there are always tiny differences that make them unique. For example, the way you lift your hand right now is different from how you’ll lift it in an hour. Though it’s the same hand, the same motion, there is always something subtly different, something unique about the way you do it.

No matter how hard you try to recreate the exact conditions of a moment, something will always be missed. Even the smallest variable, like an atom, can make the difference between replication and uniqueness. That is what makes each moment, each action, profoundly distinct.

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The Search for Meaning

You’re constantly searching for that “thing”—that source of depth and meaning. This is a natural and good desire. But I fear you’ll often get lost along the way. The quest for profound experiences, for the moments that make you feel alive, can sometimes lead you astray. The more you seek them, the more you risk losing yourself in the process, chasing after something that is fleeting and elusive.

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Final Thoughts

The challenge lies not in finding those moments of intensity and meaning, but in recognizing that they are not the end goal. It’s easy to get caught in the cycle of addiction or the endless search for profound experiences. But true fulfillment comes from understanding that each moment, in all its subtle uniqueness, carries the potential for profound meaning. It’s not about recreating the past or seeking the next high. It’s about embracing each moment as it comes, understanding that even the smallest change in the variables of life can make it something entirely unique.

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Call to Action:
How do you embrace the uniqueness of each moment? Do you find yourself chasing after that next profound experience, or have you learned to appreciate the present? Share your thoughts in the comments below.

Meta Description:
Explore a deeply personal journey of dealing with stress, self-doubt, and the overwhelming pressure of life’s challenges. Learn how focus, discipline, and a sense of purpose can help navigate through the toughest times.

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The Silent Death of Stress

Stress is a silent killer. I’ve been a victim of it recently. I’ve been afraid to say no—to myself, to my family, to my friends, to social media, to success, to comparison, to everything. And it has been killing me slowly.

I ask myself, “What can I not provide?” This question haunts me daily, especially regarding my visa status. I’ve fought for it to be renewed, only to face rejection. I went to a school I couldn’t afford, then to one I thought I liked, only to realize I wasn’t truly passionate about what was being taught. I found a job that helped me with finances, but the stress never stopped. And now, I’m faced with the harsh reality: my visa has been denied, and I’ll have to wait for at least nine months. In that time, I need to figure out how to move, eat, shelter, and feed myself.

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The Pressure of Family Expectations

What stresses me even more is the constant pressure coming from my family. It’s hard to explain, but I always feel like I have something to do for them. I forget that I first need to rescue myself from my own problems. Lately, the weight of this has been unbearable. Stress has been affecting my memory, mood, and overall well-being. I feel like I’m locked in a prison, and there’s no one to talk to about it. No one who truly understands what I’m going through.

What Are the Sources of My Stress?

• Visa Regulations
• Unstable Family Situation (my mother’s health, my siblings’ future, learning, uncertainty of housing)

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The Fear of Failure

What stresses me even more is the thought that without my visa, I won’t be able to do anything. I fear that no one will want to listen to me. I’m afraid that my friends will succeed while I fail, and I’ll forever remain a failure. The fear of being sent back to my country is real. Facing my family—who thinks I’m living a better life here than I could back home—seems unbearable.

But I have dreams. I want to study technology (computer science and math), economics, and psychology (philosophy, too). I want to help my family, but I need freedom first. Right now, I feel chained by the administration, family, and financial struggles. I can’t find a way out. I can’t seem to escape this cycle.

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The Need for Freedom

I don’t want to experience this stress in any part of my life again—whether in relationships, intellect, morality, or spirituality. I want freedom. I don’t want to help anyone if I can’t help myself. True help comes without expectations, and I want to be free from the chains that tie me to others’ expectations.

I want freedom to make my own choices, not to live up to someone else’s expectations. I don’t want to feel indebted to anyone or take more from people than they can give. I want to live responsibly, but I want to own those responsibilities. They need to be things I can manage, not things imposed upon me without preparation.

And trust me—there’s enough pressure already. The most important thing I’ve learned is that I have to learn to say no (It takes time to learn this. In addition you have to put yourself in a position that allows you to do it without been harm the least). Especially to myself. Do not push past limits that aren’t right for you.

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The Path to Freedom: Focus on These Key Areas

I need to focus on building:

• Intelligence
• Finance
• Stoicism

These are the areas I will focus on. Let’s see what happens when I pour my energy into these things. Life has its way of unfolding, but I want to live as if each day could be my last. It’s important to remember that life happens in the present, in the moment. What I can do now is improve myself in the areas that matter to me.

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The Fear of Losing Everything

I fear losing everything I’ve gained—my computer, my home, my visa. But what would happen if life gave me much more than that? I would be dead if I couldn’t handle it. Life is a long process, and all I need is patience and the discipline to bypass distractions. It’s a matter of staying focused on the bigger picture.

I’ve been rationalizing the idea that the person reviewing my visa request will be compassionate. But I realize I can’t control that. All I can do is make my request, do my part, and wait for the outcome. It’s as simple as that.

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Confronting the Overwhelm: What To Do Next?

There are days when this overwhelming situation paralyzes me. Yesterday, I didn’t know what to do or where to go. The stress of my visa situation consumes me. I don’t know where to find a job or how to figure things out. I feel stuck, overwhelmed by too little option and information. It hurts to not know what to do next.

But here’s the reality: I cannot satisfy everyone’s requirements. Not even my visa situation can be controlled by my actions alone. I shouldn’t do anything that I can’t do.

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My Philosophy Moving Forward

I’ve decided that the best way to move forward is by developing a strategy for my studies in philosophy, which will include business, economics, psychology, statistics and probabilities, and finally computer science. This will give me a clear, focused approach to learning and personal growth.

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Ultimate Freedom: The Key to Peace

Ultimate freedom is the ability to lose everything and not be afraid.

I want to surround myself with people who share my aspirations—people who are naturally driven to challenge themselves. I want to be around those who make me better, who encourage me to grow. Those who are not afraid to grow. Right now, I feel lost and backward, but I’m determined to take control of my journey.

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Final Thoughts: Reclaiming My Life

Watching movies, getting distracted—these things no longer serve me. It’s time to focus on what truly matters: reading books, listening to music, walking, and working out, solving more mathematics problem, doing more coding project. This is how I take control. This is how I move forward.

Have you experienced the feeling of being overwhelmed and lost? How have you navigated through life’s challenges? Share your thoughts in the comments below and let’s support each other on this journey.

There’s a feeling of being completely lost, an overwhelming sense of aimlessness. Do you know it? It often grips you first thing in the morning. You wake up, and it’s as if something essential has been lost—something you once cherished more than anything else.

That child within you—the pure, untarnished part of yourself—is missing. And you can’t help but wonder: Where did it go?

The world around you feels dark, empty, as though you’re trapped in an endless void. You search for the child, the lost version of you. The one who was innocent, full of life and wonder. That purity—gone, perhaps forever. It feels as though the child was connected to something greater, a sense of purpose that you now can’t find.

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Why Do We Associate Children with Purity?

Why do we see children as symbols of purity? Is it because they make mistakes without knowing, or is it something deeper?

The truth is, the greatest of all men do not ask themselves how to be great—they simply are. They exist in their essence, unburdened by the pressures of society. And yet, as we grow older, why do we punish ourselves and others for acting foolishly? The same person who, as a child, was allowed to make mistakes, was left to flounder in a world that believed bad habits would just fade with time.

And then, the questions begin to haunt you:

• What’s the meaning of it all?
• What is the purpose?
• Why am I here?
• Where am I going?
• How do I live my life?

These are the same questions philosophers have pondered for centuries. But they don’t stop. They echo in your mind, demanding answers.

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The Moment You Lost the Child

When did you lose that child? When did you stop being that pure version of yourself?

It happened the day you became “mature.” It was the day you began to believe your own lies. The day you turned falsehoods into truths. The day you questioned the lies of the adults around you and stopped seeking the truth because their lies were easier to accept. It was the day you feared facing the truth—the truth of who you really are.

That’s the day you lost yourself.

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The Paradox of Seeking the Lost Child

You’ve been told this is just the way life works. But in reality, you’ve lost sight of everything—the person you used to be, the truths you once held dear.

You keep searching for that child, that essence, that feeling of perfection. But here’s the paradox: it’s not the child you’re truly searching for. It’s the sensation, the feeling of being at peace, of everything being exactly as it should be. That’s what you’re chasing.

And it seems as though that feeling lives within the child you used to be.

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Captive to Your Own Thoughts

You feel captive to your own thoughts and delusions. You feel trapped by the expectations of others. You want to respect those around you, but you lack the courage to defy them. You lack the strength to say no to the fabricated ways of living that have been imposed on you.

But the truth is, that child was never truly lost. He’s still there, still present, still searching for a way to be heard. If only you weren’t so busy. If only you would listen. If only you would look within yourself, you would find him again.

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Final Thoughts: The Path Back to Yourself

The journey isn’t about seeking a perfect version of yourself. It’s about rediscovering the child within—the purity, the honesty, and the connection to a deeper sense of purpose that you’ve lost sight of. It’s about rejecting the lies you’ve come to accept and finding the courage to look inside and listen to the truth.

The child is waiting for you to remember who you really are. Stop running from that truth. Look within, and you’ll find him again.