Friends and colleagues joked about the idea of marrying me so that I could get my visa. While they said it playfully, I can’t stop thinking about how much easier it would make my situation. This is not the kind of path I ever envisioned for myself, and yet, the thought of the doors it could open lingers in my mind, even though I know it won’t happen.

How terrible it is to wake up in the morning with such thoughts still lingering. Living without my visa is becoming increasingly difficult. The solitude, the loneliness, the jokes about being undocumented, the feeling of being seen as a problem—these weigh on me. The fear that something could happen and I’d have to stay silent. More than five years without returning home. How much longer can I endure this? Will my courage fail me one day? Will my ability to accept this reality break under the weight of it all?

This is why I can’t stop building my skills—life skills, competence in survival, in independence. I need to reach a point where I rely on no one but myself. I don’t fully understand what marriage means for a person, but I know I wouldn’t take such a step lightly. If I were to let someone into my life under those circumstances, they would need to fully understand what it entails and the responsibility we would share.

For now, I move forward, focused on building the kind of life where I don’t need to depend on anyone but myself. That is the goal. That is the only way I can ensure my freedom.