But, good God, it is so hard—so painful and stressful to be in this position. I find myself constantly stressed, and I hate this sensation. It’s as if my body wants to escape: to be in another body, another place, another life. On top of that, there is this overwhelming fear. I am terribly afraid to fail. Afraid I won’t get things done. Afraid my visa won’t be renewed. Afraid to confront people and say what I truly think. Afraid of almost everything: being alone, writing, being sent back to my country, falling into an addiction I can’t escape, or living a life of misery without progress.

I’m even afraid to register for that certificate. I’m so afraid of failure that I don’t even start. I’m afraid of almost everything. Afraid to live.

I need to solve this problem of stress and fear. Stress feels like my body is screaming to break free—to flee to some imagined safe haven where no threat exists. But no such place exists. So, I remain here, stressed and afraid, like never before. To counter this, I throw myself into all sorts of distractions and addictions.

I am stressed and afraid. And in all of this, I feel terribly lonely. Terribly alone. I wish I had somebody to help me with these problems. I wish I had someone by my side. But I have no right to force anyone into a position they don’t want to be in. I have no right to convince them to be someone they’re not or to want something they don’t. It’s their choice to decide if they want me in their life. My role is to focus on the next move.

By being so stressed, I unintentionally bring stress to others.

First and foremost, I need to renew my visa. Then, I need to earn that data analyst certificate.

Let’s face it: I’ve become terribly afraid. I am afraid of everything—just an idea makes me shiver. And yet, I claim these are the things I want to achieve. Remember this: no one will do it for me. Is it hard? Nobody said it was going to be easy. Finish crying—I’m allowed to weep. Then get up and do the work. I am alone. Who promised that people would be with me the whole way? Is it painful? Who told me life wouldn’t be? I chose this path. Now face it. This is how life will always be. And only I can decide what to do.

I need to constantly remind myself: I am not in the savanna anymore. Once I internalize that, I can start solving my problems.

But instead, I’ve become paranoid, incapable of taking decisive action. I keep moving back and forth on decisions, which only makes the fear worse. “What if I make the wrong choice?” But even that indecision is a decision in itself—and not the one I want. If I spend too much time hesitating, time will make the decision for me. And I know that’s not what I want.