Have You Attained True Freedom?

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Explore the search for freedom, the struggle with addiction, and the pursuit of personal growth. Learn how overcoming internal battles shapes our lives and futures.

Have you attained true freedom? The kind where only love remains? Where you can love your brothers and sisters as God loved you, enough to give His life for your sake? Oh, poor soul, you are restless, constantly searching, endlessly unhappy. True freedom means expecting nothing from anyone or anything.

I compromised my dignity once again—I didn’t write to her, but I called her. Denied, then questioned. I just wanted someone to talk to, and I thought she would be the one.

The Endless Search for the Final Answer

We are always searching for the final point in life—the ultimate rule, the absolute truth. Every idea that seems to answer our struggles feels like the final answer. And once we believe something is the final answer, we will fight the whole universe to prove it.

But notice this: only after a belief is proven false do people come forward with new insights. And only after a battle is lost do people stand up to “fight.”

It’s easy to say money doesn’t bring happiness when you’ve never had enough. Only those who have reached their definition of ‘enough’ can truly say such things.

Finding Meaning Through Books and Struggles

I’ve realized that the books I connect with most are the ones that articulate thoughts I’ve already had but couldn’t express. The authors who captivate me are the ones who write what I’ve lived but never knew how to put into words.

Since coming to France, I’ve realized that the West is one of the most religious societies to ever exist—only, it has more gods than any civilization before it. Yet, its tolerance is what makes it a great place to be.

The Struggle with Discipline and Self-Betrayal

For the past four days, I’ve done almost nothing. Worse, I spent €200 on food while telling my younger sibling I had no money for them. I acted against my own interests, betraying the discipline I had worked so hard to build. For months, I lived with restraint, yet in two days, I crumbled—Uber Eats, Netflix, distractions. This shows I still have a long way to go.

I don’t yet understand true discipline. I don’t yet know what it means to be truly hard on myself. I’ve learned that exhaustion can become so deep that you can’t even rest properly.

By September 2024, I must reach a foundational level in mathematics—enough to secure admission to a university in Europe or North America.

My Vision: Business and Data Science

I dreamt of him, and I do not hate him, not even for what he took that is mine. What luck, to move beyond hatred so quickly. But I remind myself: don’t be naive. There is no virtue in being kind to the wicked.

Another option: save €20,000 to start a food catering business and a learning podcast. By 2025, I should either have my own business or enough stability to dedicate myself to science fully. (How far I AM FROM THIS OBJECTIVE HERE IN 2025, In fact I HAVEN4T HAD MY VISA YET)

The chosen field is data science—machine learning, computer science, algorithms. I still wrestle with doubts, but I know this path will give me an edge in the world.

The Fall and the Path Forward

The slightest moment of loneliness brings the fall. I must move steadily toward mathematics. It is the first step toward science and engineering—the first step, and I cannot afford to miss it. I think of all the chances I’ve missed, all the things I’ve started and abandoned.

Yes, my fall is why I lag behind. But it is also why I have learned so much about myself.

I must push. Harder. And harder still.

For 2024, I know this much: saving is my number one priority.

Having a driver’s license in France will be an asset—here and beyond if I ever leave.

Society’s Struggles with Addiction and Humanity’s Pain

Society has no solution for addicts, so they cast them aside. The truth is, we do not know the answer to addiction. Some of us seek comfort in others—it reassures us that we made the right choices. The same applies to success. We hate seeing others succeed because it reminds us of our own failures, our own missed chances.

The Struggle of Being Human

I don’t know where it comes from, but it is real. Very real. If you asked me why I feel this way, I wouldn’t be able to tell you. It’s a feeling of unmotivation—my hands unbearably heavy, my mind completely absent. I hardly remember what I read because I am not present. My mind is somewhere else. But where? I have no fucking idea. And I don’t want to know. But at the same time, I do.

It’s this dualism that is painful. Unbearable.

Are my goals too big? Too small? Should I aim for less? Should I not aim at all? Where am I going? Where should I move? What should I do with my life?

Here I am again—stuck in the same spot as last year. No romantic relationships, no job, no school. No one I can truly talk to, no one who would really understand. Not even my family. Not even my old friends.

The Battle for Change

Right now, I feel like blocking all of them—cutting them off from every social media account, disappearing as if they did something wrong. I know that’s not normal, but I have to admit: I just want to drop these feelings on someone. And only on someone I love. Because if they love me, they will feel my pain. And a part of me wants that. A part of me wants them to hurt, just so they would see. But, of course, that’s not the right thing to do.

I use something to escape the pain. So no one ever sees how much I suffer. I make sure it’s hidden. I keep it all locked inside, and then I suffer—silently but truly.

And with this suffering comes fear. Oh, fear. There it is.

How could you not consider suicide when feeling like this? What is it that we hope for when we think of it? That maybe, finally, the pain will be gone? That only then, at last, we will be free?

For the suicidal, killing oneself seems like the rational thing to do.

Overcoming the Stagnation

I hate to say this, but I wasted my last two days. I was waiting. Waiting for instructions. Waiting for things to be said, as planned, instead of just going to the library and doing the work. That’s what always holds me back—waiting for the right moment, waiting for things to be in order, waiting for perfection before taking action.

But a small moment can change everything.

I realized that working out in the morning is everything. It does more for me than I could have imagined. Now, I need to add prayer. That’s one of the last things I need before I can move forward.

Something is true: I have become spiritually small. And everything in my life followed. Everything collapsed because of it. I tried too hard to be like others, to be who everyone wanted me to be. And in the process, I lost myself.

I lost myself along the way. And I am still suffering because of it