Meta Description:
A personal story of heartbreak, betrayal, and self-discovery. Learn how to move on from toxic relationships and stay true to yourself, even when others let you down.
We try to understand why others do bad things. We rationalize their behavior, their mistakes, their actions—just to avoid conflict. And in doing so, we make ourselves miserable and unhappy. It is impossible to be kind to everyone. If everyone around you thinks you are “nice,” there is a high chance that you are being harmful to yourself. They can treat us however they want, and we will always find a way to justify their behavior.
That is exactly what happened with her. I tried to rationalize her actions, convincing myself that it didn’t matter because she did it when I wasn’t around. But the truth is, she had already made up her mind. After seeing me, she had her plan: seeing him and sleeping with him. If the trip hadn’t been canceled, I would have remained in contact with her. If we hadn’t fought, I would never have known the truth. I only found out due to pure luck—because of circumstances and because I had the courage to admit that I didn’t trust her. (2025: Three years later, I still wonder if I should reconnect with her. I trust her as a friend, but as a lover? That’s different. My character weakness shows itself again. She remains the closest relationship I’ve had—the woman I asked to marry four times. But would it not be beneath me to pursue her again? We should remain friends, nothing more. The memories with her and her family linger, but I need someone who will help me grow. I need someone complete, and I know I’m not yet finished. My perspective has changed. She remains my friend, but to bring her into my world, she would need to see things differently. I know she’s not willing to change.)
I am angry at myself for letting this happen. I’m angry at her for what she did. And yet, I even tried to tell myself that I shouldn’t judge her—that I’m no different. But she disrespected me. She lied to me. She never loved me. And I was blind enough to accept everything.
Now, my heart is torn between hatred and numbness. She disrespected our friendship. She disrespected everything. I want so badly to hate her, but my heart is too weak for that, so I try to forget. But being in this situation keeps dragging me back into the same thoughts.
Damn it, I didn’t even say anything cruel to her after what she had done. What am I even searching for? A way to move on? A way not to hate her? But she is still in my mind. She is still there. All I can do is wait for time to pull me out of this.
It feels like I can’t trust anyone anymore. Even with my other friends, Alex and Sam, I don’t feel like opening up. I feel deeply hurt. Even after all this time, the pain lingers. Lena, Zoe’s son, her, Jordan, even Mia—it’s as if I can’t trust anyone, not even my own family. That’s what I am realizing now: I can’t rely on any of these people because, in the end, we all have different interests.
I couldn’t sleep at all last night. Nostalgia crept back into my mind, along with the noise in the middle of the night. Through it all, I had to remain silent. Growing up, I was taught to stay quiet whenever an elder spoke, even if they were wrong. Who was I to judge? How could I, as a child, know when my father was wrong? So I learned silence—in front of him, my classmates, the administration, especially when they had something to offer me. I buried everything inside, but where has this led? Only to more hiding, more self-deception. While it’s impossible to lie to others without lying to yourself, it’s all too easy to lie to yourself without lying to others. I’ve hurt myself trying to keep everyone else happy and comfortable. I even laughed with Jordan that day, and with her after what she did. What was I trying to prove to myself? The truth is, none of it worked. After all my efforts to be there for people, I remain alone, still facing my problems by myself.
Heartbreak and the Realization
What hurt the most wasn’t what she and Jordan did to me—it was realizing that I had been wrong all along yet kept forcing myself to believe I was right. I was wrong about her—every friend warned me, and she even told me herself. But I went back because I wanted reality to be different from what it was.
The same applies to my administrative situation. I’ve been clinging to the hope of a different outcome despite the facts in front of me. Resolving my status may take years. I could return home, hoping for better conditions, but the only real advantage there would be having a place to stay—with little opportunity to grow.
By staying here, I must remain aware of all the risks. I might be expelled. I won’t have a place of my own. I’ll have to work under the radar to support myself indefinitely. But the worst outcome wouldn’t be expulsion—it would be ending up in the same position as when I arrived, with nothing in my mind.
Everything can be taken from me except what I’ve learned. I must use this time to gain knowledge so that, even if I’m sent home, I’ll return with something no one can take away.
Call to Action:
Have you experienced heartbreak or betrayal from someone close to you? How did you manage your feelings and move forward? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments below.
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