Meta Description:
Explore the challenges of helping others while staying true to your values. Learn about setting boundaries, dealing with selfishness, and personal growth in a world full of distractions.
There’s a widely used slogan today: “Be virtuous. Be Nice.” But what does being virtuous really mean in a world where even the slightest advantage over another can quickly turn into an attempt to take them down? (With time I came to realize that my niceties only benefit those who ask that of me. And because people see me as such I tend to look at myself as such. I know it is a problem to be good with the wrong person, but for now I consider my niceties as the thing to have in order to move out of this visa situation.)
I met someone who saw herself as deeply religious. She truly believed in her faith, and maybe others did too. But how could she hold this belief when her actions lacked the qualities of true faith—such as kindness, understanding, and grace? She had conflicts with my colleagues twice, and I feared those confrontations because I knew I’d be the one to lose.
This fear of conflict—this avoidance—has become a recurring pattern in my life.
I remember times with friends, like Alex and Sam, when I stepped back instead of standing up. Once, when my friend Mira was slapped, and another time, when Jordan had a conflict with someone who later attacked me. Even then, I stayed calm, choosing silence over resistance. I thought I was being virtuous, but was I really? Or was I just avoiding the risk of being hurt or rejected?
The Struggle with Agreeable Nature and Friendship
My agreeable nature has failed me, especially in friendships. Take Mia, for example. I helped her for two months. Yet, when I couldn’t deliver her keys one time, she called me selfish. Selfish? After everything I’d done? I was shocked. I had hoped that my support would eventually lead her to offer me a place to stay if I ever found myself homeless. Given my situation, this didn’t seem like an unreasonable expectation.
When I first arrived, I had nowhere to stay. If Casey hadn’t picked me up, I would’ve been sleeping on the streets. From the start, I knew that living with Mia wasn’t a realistic option—it would disrupt her life too much, and I didn’t want to burden her. Still, it stung when she chose to house her brother in a room that could’ve been shared with me. But I didn’t complain; she wasn’t responsible for me.
I even defended her decisions to my family, explaining that Mia had her own struggles. I kept in touch with her, visiting occasionally, even when I was homeless and struggling.
Helping Others Without Setting Boundaries
One day, Mia asked for my help with her child’s school run. I agreed, thinking it would benefit us both—she’d get help, and I wouldn’t have to worry about where I would sleep. But the reality was more complicated. Instead of one child, I ended up caring for two, or even three, at times. Her brother, Leo, was also living there, but he didn’t contribute much.
I sacrificed time and energy—time I could’ve spent finding a stable job or working on my personal matters. To avoid judgment, I even lied to the people I was staying with, claiming I was taking care of her child for pay.
After nearly two months, I realized how much I had invested in helping her, yet the respect wasn’t mutual. One night, when I turned off the TV to put her child to bed, the child started crying. When Mia came home, she accused me of hitting the child. After everything I’d done, how could she think that? I let it go.
The Breaking Point: Learning the Value of Boundaries
The real breaking point came when Mia called me selfish. Selfish because I wouldn’t leave my job to run an errand that could’ve taken far longer than she estimated. That word—selfish—hurt more than anything else. It made me question everything.
Why do I keep helping people who don’t align with my values or interests? Why do I stay silent when I should speak up?
Reflecting on this, I now see the deeper issue: we all act out of self-interest, and problems arise when those interests conflict or when one person’s needs outweigh the other’s.
Call to Action:
Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you had to set boundaries to protect your values? How did you handle it? Share your experiences and tips for setting boundaries in the comments below.
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