But good God, it is soo hard, it is so painful and stressful to be in this position. I find myself constantly stressed and I hate this sensation. It’s as if my body wanted to be somewhere else: In another body, another place, another living condition. In addition to that, there is a terrible fear . I am terribly afraid to fail. I am terribly afraid not to be able to get things done. I am terribly afraid to confront people and to say what I think. I am terribly afraid of almost everything : to be alone, to write for my YouTube, to be send back to my country, to get addicted to something way more above any hope of getting out, to live a life of misery with no movement forward. I am afraid of everyone and of everything. I am afraid to register for that certificate. I am afraid of failure so I don’t even start. I am afraid of almost everything, everybody, and sometimes to live.

Stress is like your body screaming and burning to be out of your body. To be somewhere unheard of. To be somewhere save of any type of threat. But no such place exists. So I must remain here stress and afraid like never before. And to counter this I give myself to all sorts of addictions.

I am stressed and afraid. And in all this I find myself terribly alone. I wish I had somebody to help me with this problems. I wish I had somebody at my side. But fuck I am even afraid to share my fear with other people. That was the role I wanted this girl to play in my life. But I have no wright to put her in a position she doesn’t want to be. I have no right to convince her of what she is not or does not want in her life. It is up to her to decide on whether or not she wants me in her life. That was selfish and the fun part is that I did not even realize that I was doing that. All I have to do is concentrate on the next move. By being stressed I somehow put other people into my own stress. This is what I deed with her, and it failed me terribly luckily for both of us.

You have to admit it young man: You became terribly afraid. The funny thing is that you are afraid of anything. Just an idea will make you shiver. Yet you claim that such are the things you want to achieve. Young man, have in mind that no one will do it for you. Is it hard? Nobody said It was going to be easy man. Finish weeping; yeah, you’ve got the right to weep. Then get up and move back to work. You are alone? Who said people were going to be with you all along. Is it too painful? Who said it was going to be agreeable all along. You chose it, so face it. This is how life has always been, there is no turning around.

When I was a child, I never understood why adults got mad at everything. And ever since I became an adult I can’t stop wondering why I never got too attached to certain things when I was a child. I wondered by then why adults were interested at certain things, and when I became an adult, I wondered why I never desired certain things for too long when I was a child.

You constantly have to remind your mind that you are not in the Savanna. When you will reach that level, you will be able to solve your problems.

This fear makes me paranoid, incapable of taking any major decision, I move and come back on my decisions. And that causes more fear: What if I take the wrong decision? But fuck that. I just have to do it. When I spend too much time before taking a decision, time makes the decision for me and it is almost always what I don’t want.