And this fear?

Where does it come from? Why do you feel it so intensely? What are you afraid of? Facing the reality of your situation? Confronting your family and friends? The pity in the eyes of those who look at you? Or perhaps the fear that you are not good enough to succeed?

It torments you. But to overcome it, you must ask yourself: What are you willing to die for? What would make you transcend your fear? That is the ultimate question.

Only those who have something to lose feel fear. Fear is written on the face of those who possess something precious—something they might not even recognize, something they cannot define. If you own nothing, you have nothing to lose, and fear disappears. Only then can you claim true freedom.

But do not misunderstand the words, for there is possession and possession.

When I say that those who possess feel fear, I speak of those who are possessed by what they own. Those enslaved by their belongings, their status, their illusions. And when I speak of freedom without possession, I also refer to those who own things—whether material or not—but who are ready to lose everything overnight.

Sadly, most of us belong to the first category. Myself included.

And notice: some may have nothing material yet still have something to lose. If they refuse to own anything, it is precisely because they already possess something invaluable. It could be the freedom of owning nothing. Whatever it may be, they are enslaved by that very “freedom.” Taking it from them would be their greatest suffering.

I repeat: the one who is afraid possesses something. And no matter what that something is, he is its prisoner.

She has not left you yet—not out of love, but out of fear. Fear of making a mistake. Fear of the unknown. Fear of finding someone worse than you. If you think about it, it is fear—not love—that keeps her tied to you. Do not confuse the two.

She will leave once that fear is gone. And that will be good for her. Perhaps for you as well.

It is the same for him. He would fight a lion for you—not necessarily out of love, but because he fears loneliness more than he fears the lion. He will be devoted to you, your slave. Whether you have lovers or not, he will stay, go to the ends of the earth for you—as long as that fear remains.

Then the world will call it passionate love, when in reality, it is just a man who, in his usual loneliness, saw your smile and convinced himself that you love him.

Fear is a deceptive feeling in many aspects of life. We often confuse it with courage or love. But many do things out of fear rather than out of bravery or love.

Fear can paralyze the fiercest of lions and give the weakest man the strength of Hercules.

Be careful not to mistake fear for courage or love.

How do we distinguish these feelings?

I still wonder—being the greatest coward of them all.

The Fear of the Group

Another disease: the fear of “what will they say?”

We do not want to be alone because we fear death. We twist the truth into lies just to belong, just to be loved.

To tell the truth or to be part of the group?

Lies are an addictive drug. We start believing they must always be this way. Lies feed on themselves. One lie always leads to another. And the more they grow, the more we fear they will one day be uncovered.

We fight against it, but alas, it is harder to confront than we think.

To defeat it, we must tell the truth, especially in the smallest things, where we fear punishment. It is little by little that we learn to conquer fear.

Fear

Fear of the future.
Fear of others.
Fear of life.
Fear of death.
Fear of adventure.
Fear of loving.
Fear of moving to Paris.
Fear of the streets.
Fear of making mistakes.
Fear of telling the truth.
Fear of saying, I don’t know.
Fear of creditors, of unpaid bills, of failures and errors.
Fear of the past and the future.
Fear of everything.
And above all, fear of living.
Fear of loneliness.
And finally, fear of oneself.

“To be fearless is the most terrifying thing of all.”

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My Situation

Regarding my administrative situation, I am where I am simply because I do not have the level to study and work at the same time.

I wasted time watching videos.
I wasted time fantasizing about being with Maya.
I wasted time getting angry.
I wasted time dwelling on what is wrong in my life.
I wasted time trying to satisfy some relationships.
I wasted time feeling guilty for missing calls.

Here is an insight:

Do things right the first time so you never have to justify why they weren’t done well.

Now, it would be even wiser to say no to anything that does not contribute to my intellectual growth.

I will submit my application as it is. If it is rejected, I will accept going to court to assert my rights and explain why I am no longer in a university. (I wrote this line in 2022, when I lost my visa and became an illegal immigrant in France)

(I am not in a French university mainly because I lack the academic level and also because I did not really connect with what was offered to me. I did not know what I wanted to do when I arrived. I did not know what would suit me. I initially wanted to study psychology, thinking it contained the philosophy that deeply fascinates me, but I also did not want to stray too far from pure sciences.)

Now that I know I need more than just that, I will keep working.

Again and again.

To be honest, I never truly gave up. I simply redefined the path I need to take.