What is in loneliness that makes it intolerable? What are we avoiding in it?

I have been avoiding loneliness, it was like avoiding myself. The more I moved towards other people the lonelier I became for I gave no company to myself. And now that nobody but myself is left around, I find it hard to have a conversation with me. We’ve been away for so long that we now look like strangers to one another.

Now I understand why I wanted to have a friend to whom I could talk to. A fake one for that matter. It was because I was lonely. I felt It within me, this sensation of loneliness. It is when I was alone that I actually realized that never in life have I really known where to go. I have been following the trend, all those around me. I Never really sat down on my own to ask myself what is it that I could do? where is it that I could go? Loneliness test whether or not you have an identity of your own. I failed the test. All what I have done, all what I have been in the past was to fit in. The crowd was my food, their approval was my water , like a vampire feeding on blood, I lived to please the crowd.

When you have been feeding on people, when they have been your drug, their absence brings a great reality: YOU LOST YOURSELF ALONG THE WAY. It is really painful for a man not to know who he is. When he is left alone he will certainly not know where to go, another pain. Have no doubt about this: Solitude is a chamber in hell.

What is worse? Been alone, knowing where to go? Or been surrounded not knowing where to go?

Something that I have realized is that when I am surrounded it looks like I always know where to go because I will talk and listen to a bunch of people and share their ideas. Unconsciously. I am certainly going to move in the same direction they are moving. We tend to imagine that the final line of everything is the group, so we follow it . BUT HAVE I EVER BEEN WITH MYSELF? NO BOOK, NO PHONE, NOBODY, BUT ME.

NO. I have never been alone, and after realizing that I became more afraid of solitude. Another fact is that not been up to date with the group is another pain. For example not having the brand new iPhone like every friend is painful, or not been popular enough like most friend is painful. Even when we don’t want, we force ourself to be up to date. The most painful of all is having my own ideas.

We generally lie until lies are not bearable any more. It reaches a point where you only have two options: Transform the lie into a truth or face the lie, suffering the consequences of facing it. Sometimes been alone is a good way to test the level of truth within us. It drive us crazy when we’ve been fakers for too long.

What makes solitude so painful is that there is absolutely nobody, not even yourself. Consider yourself as the link between the future and the past. You are there standing in the middle of these two guys. You should not be on either side. That is, neither on the side of the past, nor on the side of the future, you should JUST BE THERE. BE THE LINK: THE MIDDLE MAN. The PRESENT MAN. If you move out of your position as the link, the past or the future or both, will create friction in the sense where you will either be thinking about the errs of the past or the opportunities of the future or both. Such life is very painful. We cannot tolerate been alone because we have used something other that our true self as the middle man. If you are alone and you don’t know where to go, go through the suffering of first finding your true self. If you are surrounded, always pay attention to those moments you are about to lie. This might be the only antidote to solitude. (I am not sure about it as I have not yet proven it; I still have difficulties been alone, so this is a hypothesis for myself that I am trying hard to prove, and it worked to an extent).

Dear reader I don’t understand what I just wrote in the paragraph above, it wrote itself.

Never forget this: Every human being is a social negotiator. We all negotiate to be part of a group or we negotiate for others to follow ours. Solitary wolves are rare nowadays.

NOTE: Solitude is different from isolation, for it implies you are completely cut from the outside world, while in solitude you may be surrounded. Well, this is how I see it.

If you really don’t know where you want to go start by writing down where you don’t want to go. But how do you know this if you didn’t try out new roads, new people, new concepts and ideas? That is the paradox of life. Yes you’ve got the point, we are asked to live but we are not told how to live. We figure out how to live by living. I am a 22 years old still looking for a way to live. My greatest improvement is finding that I need one.

Ladies and gentlemen, I still try to be a lone, and it is hard. So have in mind that I am the worse person to give you an advice on the subject, I can just tell you how I feel, what my hypothesis are and the experiment I am undertaking.

Thanks for reading me and please don’t forget to disagree and make suggestions.